Operation: Oh, Please Shoot Me Now
by Ali Maximum
Summary: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or so the saying goes. Well, a certain SAS soldier is going to find out if that adage rings true.
1. In the Pantry

**I'm debating what to make of this story. It'll probably be a bunch of one-shots, connected by a twist that hit me one day. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: It's not mine and probably never will be.**

**.oOo.**

"How the hell did we end up here?"

"Damn, Jake, that's my ear right next to your mouth. Watch your volume."

"He's right, Sam. What happened?"

There was a sigh. "I believe it has something to do with the brats outside."

A pause. "Jake, you should invest in a bigger pantry."

"Sam, I will kill you."

"I'm just saying. It's not really big enough for four full-grown men."

A growl rolled through the small space. "Sam, I think he might actually come through on the threat this time."

"I do believe you're right, Luke."

There was silence in the darkness now. Then, a voice came from outside. "Should we let 'em out now, mate?" No reply came, but the voice talked again. "We're gonna get killed."

"Aw, let 'em try. I've got the deadliest superspy on my side. What good are four soldiers gonna do?"

"All right, but it's your funeral."

Inside the pantry, the anger of one man was growing. "Dammit, Tom, you better let us out now!" yelled the man.

"Hmm... Do you think I should listen to him?"

"Dunno, Tom, he's your cousin."

"You probably know him better, Al."

Yet another pause from outside. "He's gonna kill us anyway."

"Okay, then. They can stay in there for a bit longer."

"Kay." Silence from outside. "Wanta go get something to eat?"

"Sounds like a plan. You're buying."

A sigh erupted from one of the people outside. "I always buy."

"You've got a paying job, Al. I'm just along for the ride. Anyways, you know you love me, and you owe me."

"For what?" The voice sounded confused.

"Saving your sorry ass in Biology."

The other sighed. "I s'pose."

Footsteps could be heard, walking away from the pantry where the four men were still trapped inside. "So, where are we going?"

"Dunno. Feel like pizza?"

"Sounds good to me, mate."

As the front door could be heard opening, there were four shouts from the pantry, all men yelling at the same time.

"LET US OUT OF HERE!"

"THOMAS ANDREW HARRIS!"

"ALEX RIDER!"

"I WANT A SLICE!"

Laughs erupted from the two outside, and then the sound of the door closing hit the men in the pantry. Silence reigned throughout the house now. Then, "Really, Sam?"

**Did anyone get what's going on? Maybe it'll all be explained in the next chapter. Maybe it'll be as confusing as this. If you think you've got the basic gist, review and see if you're right. If you're as lost as anything, review anyway. Please and thanks.**


	2. The Meeting

**Disclaimer: Does not happen to be owned by me.**

**.oOo.**

It was around seventeen hundred on a Wednesday. Not always the best of days, but today was particularly hard for one man. Jake Rodriguez was not in a good mood. He'd gotten a phone call at seven o'clock that morning, asking if he could come in to this woman's office. That's when he'd gotten the bomb dropped on him that he was officially a guardian of a teenage boy. Said teenager would be arriving around five that night, and that "Mr. Rodriguez should be fully prepared to care for him."

Needless to say, Jake was not having a good day. To make matters worse, when he had called Sam to share the news, Sam had told him that he was screwed and that he and the others would be coming over to help.

And that's how, near five o'clock that night, Jake and his old army unit were sitting in his living room.

"I'm betting the kid'll only last two weeks. Maybe three, if he's careful," commented Luke.

"This is Jake we're talking about, right? The kid won't last three days," shot back Ben. There was a crash as Jake threw a remote towards Ben's head. The man dodged it, however, and it hit Sam in the side of the head.

"Stupid spy and his reflexes," muttered Sam, rubbing the side of his head as the other three men burst into laughter. "Haha, yeah, laugh at the injured guy. You'll all be laughing when you need my help out on the field." With that, he got up and went into the kitchen, leaving the others to follow him, still chuckling.

"So, when's the kid supposed to be here again?" asked Luke, leaning up against the counter.

Jake checked his watch. "Any minute."

He seemed calm on the outside, but Ben could see that there was that little ounce of nerves thrown in there. "You gonna be okay with this, Jake?"

The man in question shot Ben a look before opening the fridge and digging around inside. He grabbed a can of soda, stood straight up, opened it, and took a drink before replying. "I managed to keep up with you lot at Brecons, didn't I?"

Luke took a can of soda from the fridge before shutting it, as well. "That's different, though."

"Yeah, Sam here's way worse."

"Oi. I resent that."

"No, Sammy, you resemble that," remarked Ben.

"Hey!" And with that, began a scuffle between Ben and Sam. Jake just rolled his eyes and stepped back when they came near him. Luke came over to stand by him, in the doorway of the kitchen, sighing at the immaturity of their other two unit members.

Jake was looking slightly concerned now, as he looked at the clock. When was the kid getting here? He was torn between wanting the kid to get here and wanting him to stay gone.

"Are you still worrying about this thing?" That was Luke, breaking in through Jake's reverie.

The man looked at the other and closed his eyes, looking away again. "A bit. I've never had to care for a kid before."

"So, what was Cub, chopped liver?"

Jake rolled his eyes. "You know Cub didn't count. He wasn't... Well, we never had to take care of him. He did that himself."

"Look, mate, you managed to take care of those two," Luke gestured towards Ben and Sam, who were now wrestling in the hall, putting each other in headlocks and various other holds. "Stop worrying about a kid."

"Yeah, why worry about one when I've already had two on my hands for a while right?"

The blonde man smacked his leader on the back. "That's the spirit. Now, didja get the spare room set up?"

"Yes, _mother_. The spare room's set up, the house's been cleaned, pantry's been stocked up. Everything's good to go. Now," Jake eyed the clock on the wall yet again. "All we need is for the kid to get here."

Luke glanced at the clock, too. "Yeah, didn't you say he'd be coming around five?"

"That's what I was told," Jake replied, nodding.

The Scotsman sighed. "I love punctuality." Taking his soda, Luke stepped around the two still wrestling in the hall and into the living room. The owner of the house followed him, shaking his head again at Ben and Sam. Luke took a sip of his soda before flopping down onto the couch. "You think the two of them would tire already."

"Yeah, hopefully before they break something!" The last past of the sentence was raised for the others to hear over the sound of their grunts and wrestling.

"Say uncle!" cried Ben.

"Never!" shouted Sam.

And so the fight in the hallway continued.

Luke closed his eyes and chuckled quietly. "Those two are such children."

"Only when they're together, only when they're together," retorted Jake, who picked up the remote from the couch where it'd fallen after hitting Sam, and turned on the television. The news channel was on. As one of the news reporters began to speak, the doorbell rang. The scuffle in the hallway stopped immediately.

"I've got it!" yelled Sam.

Jake jumped to his feet and shouted, "Don't you dare, Eagle!"

When Jake resorted to calling you by your SAS codename, you had better start listening, because that's when he usually meant business. Sam, on the other hand, chose never to listen to his leader's threats. That was probably seeing as Jake never came through with his many torture and/or death threats.

And that would be why Sam was the one to open the door. Pulling back the deadbolt, the man opened the door. On the doorstep, stood a teenager with a couple of bags. "Is this Jake Rodriguez's house?" he asked, looking at a slip of paper in his hand.

"Er, yeah, it is."

"Okay, then. Who're you?" demanded the teen, stepping underneath Sam's arm and into the house.

"I'm Sam Evens," replied the man who'd opened the door.

"His boyfriend, or something?" inquired the kid, looking around the hallway.

Choking on his soda, Jake decided to make his appearance in the hallway, followed by Luke and Ben. "No!" exclaimed Jake. "He's in my unit in the army."

The teenager looked at them all with a raised eyebrow. His expression was a suspicious one, like he didn't really believe them. "Right. Whatever."

"Wasn't someone supposed to come with you, or drop you off, or something?" asked Jake.

The teenager shrugged. "Nah. Told 'em I could find it and took the Tube. Where's my room, then?"

Jake blinked before responding, "Uh, up the stairs and to the left. First door there. The second one is the bathroom."

"All rightie, then." With that, the boy hoisted his bag onto his shoulder again and headed for the stairs. As he got halfway up them, Sam called out, "Wait! We never caught your name!"

The teenager turned around, flipping his bangs out of his face in the same movement. "The name's Harris. Tom Harris."

And it was in that moment that Jake knew he was going to have major problems with this kid.

**.oOo.**

**All right, for those who haven't been able to catch on:**

**Ben- Fox**

**Jake- Wolf**

**Sam- Eagle**

**Luke- Snake.**

**Now, this is something that people should be sure to remember: Usually, the name of the chapter will let you in on the main plot of that chapter. If I can get creative enough.**

**.oOo.**

**Now, I'mmuna be pathetic and ask for reviews, if you are that kind and feel like boosting a poor writer's self esteem.**


	3. The Lab Project

_**The Lab Project**_** comes before **_**In the Pantry**_**, but after **_**The Meeting**_**. Obviously.**

**Disclaimer: Must I put this every time? I don't own Alex Rider.**

…

When Tom walked through the house with an armful of various weapons, Jake knew he had to ask about it.

"What the hell are you doing?" said Jake, as he got up from the couch to see what Tom was carrying.

"Going over to Alex's," was the boy's simple response.

"With a baseball bat, a rubber mallet, a machete, and a rubber chicken?"

Tom shrugged. "Well, he's supplying the shotgun, the ax, the steel-toed boot, and the guitar."

His guardian did kind of a double take at that. "What the hell are you two going to do?"

"Well, Wolfie," began the boy, earning him a glare from Jake. "That's for me to know, and for you to give me a ride there!" His guardian just shot him another look. "Don't worry, Jack will be there supervising us every step of the way."

Truth be told, that probably scared Jake more than anything. But he grabbed the keys without saying anything else. At least they weren't doing it at his house. "Get in the car."

.oOo.

Jack was the one who met them at the door. "Hey, you two. Alex is in the backyard, Tom. Better go help him get set up." The dark-haired boy ran off, through the house. Something fell out of his arms. With a sigh and a shake of her head, Jack picked it up. "Tom! You dropped your rubber chicken!" She turned back to Jake. "Shut the door when you come in. This'll take a while."

Jake did as the woman told him, stepping inside and shutting the door behind him. "Um, what exactly is this?" he asked, taking off his jacket and hanging by the door.

That made her turn, laughter making her eyes sparkle. "Tom didn't tell you? It's a science experiment for school."

"What?"

At that moment, Tom came running back in. "Sorry, Jack," he said, taking his yellow rubber chicken from her. "Oh, and, um, Al wants to know where the camera is. And if we're allowed to use the flamethrower."

"By the fridge and no."

Tom shrugged and went to get the camera. When he left, Jake could hear the slam of the back door and the kid shout, "Sorry, mate, she said no flamethrower!"

"Aw, c'mon, Jack!" came the yell of Alex Rider. There was another slam from the back door and he appeared in the hallway, where the two adults were still standing. "Why can't we use the flamethrower?"

The redheaded woman threw her hands into the air and walked into the kitchen. "Because it's dangerous, Al!"

Jake was still standing awkwardly in the hallway – he'd never really gotten used to coming into Cub's house – when said teenager turned his gaze onto him. _Oh, hell_.

"Hey, Jack, what if we had Wolf supervise us with the flamethrower?"

There was a pause while the woman considered that. "I suppose that'll be fine."

_Well, shit_, thought Jake.

.oOo.

Five minutes later, Jake was standing out in the backyard, a fire extinguisher in his hands. It was certainly an interesting set-up the two boys had set up back here. In the middle of the yard, there were three white sheets hanging vertically, reinforced by wooden walls the boys had built. Drawn on all three sheets were giant targets. There was a pedestal positioned in the center of the sheets, and a tomato sat in the center of that. As Jake looked closer at the tomato, he could see that someone had drawn a screaming face on it. Tom.

"Oi, Wolf, you'll want to put this on," said Alex, tossing an apron at him. Why couldn't the kid get that his name was Jake, not Wolf?

With a growl that was barely audible, Jake slipped the apron over his head. There was a flash of light and, when the man looked to see what it was, he saw Tom with a big smile on his face and a camera in his hand. "Say cheese, Jakey."

"All right, I'm done here." Jake dropped the fire extinguisher on the ground and turned to walk away.

"FIRE!" yelled Tom, and a gunshot went off. His guardian spun around only to see Alex pointing a shotgun at the tomato… Except there was no tomato anymore. It had been obliterated by the shotgun blast. Tom jumped into the three-walled room they had set up, snapping pictures of the spatter that had resulted.

"What the hell are you two doing?" demanded Jake, storming over to them.

Alex pulled off the earphones, removed his goggles, and tossed a tape measurer at Tom. "Read me the farthest distance, mate." When Tom was busy measuring, Alex looked at Jake. "We're using tomatoes and various weapons to measure and determine blood spatter patterns," he stated simply.

This all swarmed in Jake's head as he tried to make sense of it. "Why?"

Tom popped out of the sheets and said, "Because we wanted a fun science experiment and this one was the only one Mr. Burdsall approved. Eighty-three and a half centimeters, Al."

"Did you get pictures of everything?"

"Of course. I'm not an idiot."

"That's debatable."

"Shut up and clean off the sheets."

There was a silence as the dark-haired boy went to get another tomato and his friend used the hose to get rid of all the previous tomato matter.

Something was bothering the adult watching them both. "Hang on," said Jake. "If you two are measuring blood spatter distance, then why are you using a flame thrower?"

"Because we want to catch a tomato on fire," Tom and Alex said in unison.

Jake closed his eyes and massaged his temples. Why could nothing ever be easy with these two?

**End Chapter Three. Not much involved in this chapter, but (hopefully) a funny piece with our favorite pair of friends.**

**I've plotted out the rest of this fic and even the order it all goes in. Hopefully, it won't take too long for the next chapter.**

**Until next time, my dear readers.**


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